Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:14:34 GMT

formspring.me/aphroditi

Ask away, friends.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:11:43 GMT

Death.
I can't really sit and think about it for any length of time. All thoughts inevitably lead to:

My grandma's death.
The two concepts are intertwined in my mind; I'm never quite able to separate one from the other. Death, in itself, does not frighten me. I have my faith and, perhaps more importantly, I know why I have my faith -- I believe with all my heart and mind that I know where I'll go when my eyes close in death on this earth. That is not my struggle.

So much of my daily routine has become a warped, empty shell of what it was before she died. I go through the motions with some success; I work, I study, I spend my leisure time doing so-called intellectual things, I try to pretend I'm too strong to be bothered by it.

But I am. "The first year is always the hardest," people tell me. I'd like to let them know how wrong they are. I've had my surges of uncontrollable emotion and moments in which I questioned whether or not I'd feel normal again, but I've kept myself together in spite of the circumstances. Maybe I haven't allowed myself to grieve, maybe I'm too afraid of it. Nothing in my emotional makeup works on a gradient, I'm too extreme for that. I operate on a very simple on-off switch when it comes to intensity, and I'm terrified that once I allow grief to have a hold on me, I won't be able to turn it off.

Maybe that's why this year hasn't been as hard as I anticipated. I haven't felt anything.

All I can do is trust that God will be with me as He always has been.

That's my struggle.

Resources Post

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 14:22:43 GMT

R E S O U R C E S

refuted

fyre_paved

any_otherday

dearest

If you see any of your tools being used here and I haven't credited you, please leave a comment and let me know!
♥ Emily

I like my privacy.

Fri, 23 May 2003 23:25:55 GMT

Please comment to be added, as I'm always looking for new friends.

My entries are primarily concerned with college, dating, my family, and other stressors in my life; after all, this is a personal journal. While there is nothing profound to be discovered here, I invite you to add me if you can tolerate my interests.

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:)

maneater

Resources Post

I like my privacy.